


Silence Is No Good

by ClarenceJ



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Battle of Five Armies, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 08:02:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16280720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClarenceJ/pseuds/ClarenceJ
Summary: Oneshot- The reader has been dealing with depression but hasn't told anyone. She ends up confronting her issues with Thorin who then helps her through them.





	Silence Is No Good

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit or any of its character, only my own. 
> 
> Trigger Warning: depression, anxiety, panic attacks

           

           You weren’t sure what was the matter with you. You noticed it first in Erebor when one minute you were fine and were happy with the rest of the company as every minute went by you felt so sad, isolated. You were Thorin’s secretary and would follow him everywhere. You were basically another Balin who would carry papers, remind him of things needing to be done, and sit with him when anything important happened.

            Sometimes you would have these little thoughts pop up that would tell you _‘you’re not important to them’, ‘you’re an add on to the group’, ‘misfit’, ‘unimportant’._ If it wasn’t the little whispers, it was the wandering. Your mind wandered during meetings and you would end up missing whole conversations. You sat in the same spot for a whole hour and it had passed by as if it were a few minutes. You tried to smile along with the group, but a few of them started to catch on to when you were slipping from them. You felt out of place in your own body and mind.

            “Hey Y/N, what’s the matter? Is there something behind me?” Bofur jokes while you are having a conversation. It was hard to keep up with the words, and honestly, you're having a hard time giving the right signals at the right time. A laugh here, and a smile there would keep most people fooled, but Bofur sees right through you. He keeps his smile though, but his eyes are silently picking you apart.

            “I’m just really tired,” you say with a weak chuckle as you shake your head and rub your eyes, hoping it is enough to get past him. He smiles and you shrug your shoulders and make up some excuse to leave that sounds pathetic to your ears. Luckily he lets you go back to your room but you don’t see the worried look on his face as you go.

            Bofur eats dinner with the company later that night with his uncharacteristic frown adorning his face and has worry swirling in his gut about how you’ve been acting lately. “I think there’s something wrong with Y/N,” he says suddenly, pulling the attention of the others to him. It makes his stomach turn to say it, but he knows something isn’t right. Everyone looks at him with worry as they realize what was said.

            “What do you mean? Is she ill?” asks Kili from the other end. His brow is knit into one line and concern has been written all over his face. All over everyone’s faces in fact.

            Bofur hesitates for a moment, wondering if he should go on. He opens his mouth and closes it for a moment before continuing, "She hasn't been right in her head lately. She seems off somehow. . ." he trails off. Everyone thinks of this for a moment before sprouting their own ideas.

            “I haven’t seen her coughing or heard anything from her,” Thorin brings up worriedly.

            “She isn’t here,” points out Fili quietly, looking around the table. “Y/N never misses dinner with us,” he whispers in loss.

            “I’ll go check on her,” offers Thorin as he is already out of his chair before anyone can stop him. Through the months living in Erebor, you had become close with him since you had to follow him everywhere. Now something important was happening to you and he didn’t even notice! _‘I should be doing more for her’_ Thorin berates himself as he walks briskly to your quarters. _‘I should have noticed something wasn’t right.’_

            “Y/N,” he calls out as he knocks on your door. "Y/N, please answer the door.” When he hears no response, he slowly twists the handle and peeks into your room. You sit there on the edge of the bed with a blanket wrapped around your shoulders, and you are staring off into space with a blank look.

            “Y/N,” Thorin repeats with a little more strength. When he sees that you don’t move, he slowly comes to stand in front of you and kneels down at eye level. Your unblinking eyes show how fast your mind is running and how empty you feel at the same time.

            “Y/N, please answer me,” he says once more as he touches your face with his fingertips. That touch breaks you out of your trance with a gasp and a rush, and Thorin grasps your shoulders tightly so you don’t fall off the bed.

            “Easy, easy, shhh, it’s only me,” he tries to soothe, but it does the exact opposite. Panic rises in your chest at him seeing you like this, so broken, and that makes it all start to crumble. You break down into short, sharp sobs as you try to cover your face out of shame. He grabs your hands to put them at your sides, but your sobs get louder and louder. Now, it’s a battle between the panic and the overwhelming sadness that threatens to crush you with its weight. Thorin kneels there unsure of what to do, taken aback by the violent shift in mood as he watches you hunch over with a cry.  

            “Please! Please, please, please,” you sob raggedly over and over. You don’t quite know what you’re begging for. For him to help you, leave you alone, or give you some sort of comfort. First, you want him to go away so that you can deal with this on your own, but Thorin isn’t having any of that. You try to pull the blanket tighter to you and push him away, but Thorin isn’t having any of that either.

            He moves forward slowly before sitting on the edge of the bed next to you and carefully scooping you up into his strong arms. He moves to the head of the bed to rest his back against the headboard while he holds onto you. He wraps his arms around you like a warm steel cage and pulls you to his chest in a big hug that is both gentle and firm against your shaking form. You feel too close, suffocating close, but you know this is what you need. The comfort of having someone to hold you together as you fall apart.

            His voice sounds so far away like you’re underwater, but you know he’s trying to hush you. You hear another broken noise and in the back of your mind, you realize that the noise is coming from you and you try to calm it but the panic flares up like a flame with an accelerant. The sound is ragged and you feel each sob pull from deep inside of your chest causing you to heave with every one.

           “Please!” you croak. “Please make it sto-o-p,” you gasp with a lungful of air before continuing your cries. Now it’s absolutely no longer about panic but about letting all of this sadness out like bleeding a wound.

            “Hush now. Be still now, you’re safe here,” Thorin rumbles lowly, “Nothing will harm you here.” He repeats this phrase over and over while you sob brokenly, with abandon into his arms getting tears and snot all over your sleeves.

            The sobbing slowly becomes quieter and quieter, and you begin to hear the words that Thorin is saying to you now that you aren’t wailing.

            “I’m still here, I won’t let you go. I will stay here until you want me to go,” he rumbles in your hair. Thorin still sits with you in his arms rocking you and hushing you soothingly when he feels you shudder. His voice starts to become clearer, and you feel everywhere that his arms are holding you. around your shoulders and one arm holding your waist at a diagonal stroking your back.

             You slowly start to calm down and that’s when the embarrassment hits you. You start to struggle out of his arms, but he grips you tighter and rubs soothing circles in your skin, pulling you more upright so that you can breathe clearly and grip onto his arms better. He tucks your head under his chin and holds you tighter just breathing evenly and hoping that you’ll mimic him. Your grip is strong on his coat jacket.

            “It’ll be alright, take a deep breath and relax for me yes?” He hushes and you try so hard to, but it’s not as easy as he says. Your breath hitches when you think about how you just broke down in front of him but you try regardless only to tense and feel your eyes water again. This happens a few more times before Thorin sees how you’re struggling so he takes the lead.

            “Breathe with me alright?” He takes a deep breath in and slowly lets it out. You try to copy him and he praises you every time with kind words and gentle pats on your hip or on your shoulder. “Well done,” he praises softly. “Try it again,” he commands gently to you with a small press on your arm.

            "I-I'm trying," you stutter through your shaking breaths. You finally manage a full breath when you realize how tired you are from crying and how much your eyes burn in their sockets. Your eyes start to close when a loud _BANG_ makes you tense in Thorin's arms and turn as nine dwarves stomp their way into your room to see you wrapped in Thorin’s arms. Their eyes become as wide as saucers when they see your red face and Thorin’s eyes burning holes into them.

            “Leave us,” he commands them in a voice that leaves no room for arguing. You try to ignore the feeling of being stared at, but it’s just as bad as being sad. You bury your face into the collar of his coat until the last member of the company leaves. They leave the room with just as much noise as coming in and the door shuts loudly. You continue with the breathing exercises before you decide to speak.

            “I’m so sick of being sad,” you try to say, your voice sounding thick from crying. Thorin doesn’t say anything as you croak, he lets you empty your thoughts onto him. “I feel worthless all of the time being here and being some worthless human around you all. I’m sick of being a burden and a waste and unimportant! I feel so empty now and I can’t help it when I feel like this! I never asked to feel like this! I just want it to stop!” you cry out angrily, ready to burst into another round of tears. The feeling pulls at your heart painfully and Thorin notices your distress rising. He gently rocks you again and hushes you softly.

            “You are not a burden, you are a part of a family now. You are not a waste, you are cherished. Most importantly you are not unimportant, you are worthy.” His hands weave through your hair and you breathe a sigh of relief. The tightness in your chest starts to fade and you finally come down from your breakdown. Your eyes droop at the feeling of his hands carding through your hair and his nails gently scraping against your scalp.

            It isn’t until the late hours of the night that Thorin finally slackens his grip and lays you in the bed before pulling the heavy embroidered covers up to your chest. You give a small sniff and wince at the throbbing in your eyes and sinuses.

            “I know you must be so very tired,” he says gently while holding your hand, “but are you alright for me to leave or would you want me to stay?” He looks down at you with a worried look. You look back at him through heavy lids and reach out for his hand as he starts to pull it away.

            “Please stay,” you whimper out. “I don’t want to be alone tonight.” Thorin nods and starts to remove his shoes and bulky robes. He snuffs the candles out but leaves the fire to keep the room warm. He starts to head to the chair by the fireplace and your stomach jumps a little at having him so far but wanting him so close to you like before.

            You war with yourself for a moment before you decide to take a leap. “No.” You cry out weakly from under the covers. “I don’t want to sleep alone tonight.” He looks at you for a moment with calm blue eyes before giving a small smile and a nod. He crawls in next to you and pulls you close to him while he starts to hum a low tune. Your head rests on his chest, his arms are a heavy, but comforting, weight on you as the vibrations in his chest carry you to sleep when you finally think, ‘ _I should have told him about this a long time ago.’_


End file.
